Say no to love

And all this while he was my friend. Eight years of mutual nakedness. Ninety six months of confessions, secrets, fights, patch-ups, phone-calls, heart-breaks, birthdays. And two thousand nine hundred and forty days of companionship made it special. Pity it took just one hour of midnight to ruin it all.

May be it was just a compromise glorified, till its inevitable death knocked on our lives. I’ll like to believe that a few drops of dancing desires bottled in finest glass cage drowned it all. Or may be it was the conspiracy of an envious moment that looses its existence the very next moment. May be it was born to give us death. May be it fought, bribed, rushed through every minute to bring night onto us. After all it was a moment that build our story years back.

It all started with a prankster habit of mine. It was a close friend’s party packed with strangers, waiting to be my friends. On her special day a rare gift was being packed for me. After all didn’t he spend four hours to dissuade my make-shift cousin from pursuing engineering? His eyes left his socket when he realized it was just an active brain-wave of mine that gave everyone a reason to laugh. One party, one prank and two days later a chocolate from him was sitting pretty on my hostel desk. It looked like an invitation for a sweet, creamy friendship garnished with fruits and nuts. Only I didn’t realize it came with an expiry date.

Our relationship flourished by the day. From dentist’s appointment to study hours to friends to fights, to wins and to losses, we were together in everything. That he was an year newer to this world was not of concern to us because we were just friends, until 16th February, 2001.

My bus pulled in at 8.00 pm at Chandigarh bustand. At 8.10pm we were driving around mindlessly in his car. His favorite 7-round joke at his chosen roundabout just got over. In the silence of the night, I heard the tinkering of the music system, a familiar voice rolled out and my heart stopped beating. It was him confessing his love through a recorded message. The moment I had dreaded had arrived. Didn’t I make it clear we were friends? Just friends.


Then why this urge for possession, for belongingness, for commitment? Why does every bird cover miles in search of a nest? Do streams flow into an ocean to be with each other? Do trees have branches to touch each other? Do leaves fall on the ground to die in their beloved’s arms? Questions, questions and more questions were racing through my mind.

Then came the diary. Words beautifully threaded together to lay down a bed of love. Every sentence dancing with joy. Every page a memoir of desires. My pulse was racing now. Butterflies water-rafting in my stomach. This was not to be. He was a friend. Forever.

It was love trying to replace friendship. I felt his eyes searching for an answer on my face.
Desperately hoping for a curve of my smile, shine in my eyes, sprint in my walk. I didn’t want to break his heart, but keeping it together was far beyond me. For hours silence reigned. Loving hism in exchange of being loved by him was not mandatory, he smiled bravely. Even if just to make him feel better, I could not smile. I could not agree. The hope had to die. Today. Now.

The spark of the battle that played a day before was born that day.